The Weirdest of the weird..

There is a collection of memories in my head from the last eleven years of things that people have done or said that have left me flabbergasted, astounded, confused.. Thought i'd write a few of them down. They really can't be forgotten but there always good for a laugh.

Let's see... there was the really old man when I was eighteen that asked me to remove the hearing aid from his ear.. It still makes me laugh. He was surrounded by about a dozen of his closest relatives and he looks up at me signals me to come closer to him and whispers in my ear that I should take out his hearing aid. Who the hell does that? Why did he do that? There are no explanations.

The butterfly tattoo. This I tell to my little sister every time she thinks about piercing or tattooing some part of her body. I was about twenty one working as a bartender. Two ladies come in for malibu strawberry daquiris (don't know how I remember that) I comment on her really interesting tattoo which appeared to me to be a butterfly between her breasts. All I could see were the wings. She pulls down her shirt and between her rather... large breasts the body of the butterfly was in fact a penis. Complete with scrotum and pubic hair. She said she did it for the shock value. It worked, I was shocked.. disgusted.

I have once, only once given out my phone number. After weeks of flirting with cute Georgia sailor stationed in San Diego where I was working at all of twenty years old. He asked me out. I was young, embarrassed and decided what was the worst that could happen? So, I hand over my phone number on the back of his receipt. And tell nobody about it. Almost instantly feeling the lack of common sense. A few days later I hear about the same smooth talking guy hitting on another waitress who turned him down due to the boyfriend that would spend half her shift at the end of the bar. He said 'no problem, I'll get a piece of ass off Sara'. I remember thinking that if he came in before management left for the rest of the graveyard shift he would maybe be in the clear... The manager left early. In he walks all cute with eight of his closest buddies. Was super excited to see me. Until I brought a pitcher of water to the table and in my extreme twenty year old-ness whispered in his ear asking if he was a little hot and then proceeded to pour the whole damn thing in his lap and suggested that he needed to cool down. If I remember correctly there was actually applause over it.

And in high school my first job ever with the weirdo table that we all kind of thought were inbred. Not in a mean they're gross way but in a there's no other explanation for them kind of way. To celebrate one of the waitresses seventeenth birthday they showed up wearing their bras over their Coors Light T-shirts. I'm not making it up.

Fast forward to when I was twenty-three working at a private resort. I had bar tended for a wedding all night long and for the last hour turned the bar over to my Back so that I could go set-up for the morning breakfast on the other side of property in walks the best man very drunk. I knew exactly how much he had and started pouring him weaker drinks hours before. He had lost the party and couldn't get back so I offer to walk him back. The conversation went something like this.

me- all show you how to get there if you could just keep your voice down through this hall it's next to guest rooms.
DBM (drunk best man)-I have been drinking vodka tonight. My brother's married the blond. She giggles.
me- (not going to touch the blond giggly comment at all say) Vodka is a very respectable drink I'm glad you've enjoyed the reception.
DBM- Yeah.. it's goooddddd.. iii'mmm gladdddd it's not tekquia if it was tekquia my pants would have come downnnn... Don't worryy sweetheart. You wouldn' mind. I AM CIRCUMCISED.

I don't remember what the hell I said next. I do remember walking very, very fast back to the party and telling the back no more drinks for Mr. I can show you my penis.

I had a table of fifteen construction workers at a little Italian place I worked at. I stood at the head of the table and began taking their order. When I went to leave I jerked back and this old man grabs me and pushes me on his lap. come to realize while I was taking everybody Else's order he had tied the end of my apron strings to the chair next to him. Gross. Wrong. In so many different ways. I remember them laughing and my manager coming out and 86'ing them.

Okay, that's enough for now. I have more.. unfortunately. But, I'm wondering what the worst of the worst is? If anybody can top mine. Let's hear it.