What I've always wanted to say.

There is a list. In every servers head of things they've wanted to say to tables, other servers, bosses, chefs.. even dishwashers. But, never have. Mostly because this gig requires that we be the happiest people on the fucking planet. So, here is a small list of what's really going on in my head.

1. You don't like Chardonay?.. really? you mean every chardonay on the entire planet is going to make you unhappy? Truly? Okay... then i'm going to serve you a white zinfadel because you really don't know what you're talking about.

2. You want to know why that order isn't in the kitchen yet? Okay Manager, the order isn't in the kitchen yet because i've had to explain demi glace four times, i've opened three bottles of wine made four shirley temples. One at a time. And have been sent away from the table three times.

3. Yes. I get it. You're all powerful Chef. You control your universe you're right and everyone on the planet is wrong. Always. Yes, your ego is a valuable commoditity in this rarefied world of people eating.

4. No, you don't smell like last night my friendly server. Not at all. Your dewers on the rocks isn't seeping out of your pores. You can't tell that your eyes are blood shot and I bet you can walk in a straight line.... sometime tomorrow.

5. Yes, I get it. Food and wine cost money. And I can make it even better. Not only does food cost money but I also expect you to pay me twenty percent more than your bill for serving it to you.

6. I hate it when you're 'just having appetizers' Hate it. I want you to order lots of food. Lots of booze and tip accordingly.

7.I don't care that you're a vegetarian or vegan, have theater tickets, movie plans a babysitter at home. A mother who needs her depends etc... You wait for me to wait on you... Get it? I'm not a machine. And I won't make you more special than any of my other tables if you don't make it worth my while.

8. How do you make it worth my while. Well, it's all about my being paid. How do I get paid? By you ordering the larger your bill the more attention i'll pay to you.

9. Are you really allergic to onions? Really. Because if you tell me you are my kitchen has to switch out utensils bring out new sautee pans, wipe off counter tops and generally stop service to accomodate you not being sent to the ER. Just tell me you don't like it. And trust me to take care of the rest. Even tell me you really don't like it. But, don't lie.

10. I don't like kids. In fact very few people in restaurants ever like kids. Especially ones in car seats, booster seats or high chairs. that come with cartoon embossed bags that I have to step over all night long. I'm not being mean. It's just that I don't make as much money on your children. therefore I'd rather they be adults who are drinking and ordering three courses. I hate finding ketchup. Really don't want to deal with your suzy sue who won't eat anything green. I don't find your children endearing in the least. I don't want to wait while they practice their manners and public speaking. You be their waiter at home and then bring them out....

11. I don't care how cute you think I am. How much like whats her name on that tv show I look like. You don't need to know about my ethnicity. How old I am or how long i've worked here.

12. yes, I have a boyfriend always. and three kids. And i'm busy after work. You and your four buddies who are about five years younger than I am who are ordering sides of french fries and bud light are not the least bit attractive. Move on to other pastrues. But tip me because you acted like a cocky little pencil dick.

13. I don't believe in your god. I'm not impressed that you do. I don't need my soul saved. I don't want your 'jesus loves you' calling cards. If it doesn't get thrown directly away we pass it off server to server like a hot potato all mocking the weirdo religious people who, by the way almost always tip ten percent.

14. I don't like all of my co-workers. Were not all friends.

15. If you act shitty enough we are all going to end up at a bar drinking and trashing you to everyone as soon as our shift is over.

16. Yes, my parents miss me because i'm waiting on you for Christmas Eve. They want me there and make me feel like shit for working instead of decorating a Christmas tree. I can't help it. And wouldn't change it if I could. Tip me thirty percent because i'm waiting on you. Feel sorry for me, but I don't feel sorry for myself. I don't like my parents I don't want to listen to my aunts fighting, my sister is stoned and my brother wants to borrow fifty bucks. I'm not at work against my will.